


A Guide To Courteous Thievery

by queenmevesknickers



Category: Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game)
Genre: Bandits & Outlaws, Banter, Character Study, Gen, Implied Murder, Pre-Canon, pre-game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28807542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenmevesknickers/pseuds/queenmevesknickers
Summary: A Guide to Courteous Thievery: The Bandit’s Codex - by the Duke of Dogs, Earl of Mutts, High King of Huckleberries, His Trampy Highness, His Sparky Lordship, etc, etcGascon Brossard is the most ambitious bandit Lyria’s ever seen - after all, he’s no common cutthroat.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11
Collections: A Stray's Tale





	A Guide To Courteous Thievery

_A Guide to Courteous Thievery: The Bandit’s Codex  
by the Duke of Dogs, Earl of Mutts, High King of Huckleberries, His Trampy Highness, His Sparky Lordship, etc, etc._

_Step One: Try not to get caught – but if you do, ensure your friends have deep pockets._

The Duke of Dogs studied the inside of his cell with great interest. At least, he assumed it was a cell – he’d woken up in here. But he’d been imprisoned enough times to surmise the meaning of the narrow confines, the damp grey stone and the narrow bars on the small window high on the wall. He rubbed the back of his head, which was throbbing a little. He couldn’t quite recall what had happened, but a blow to the head seemed a reasonable inference, too.

With a squeal of rusty hinges, the door creaked open. Gascon looked up and grinned at the familiar face. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

Torren, his long-suffering second-in-command, simply folded his arms. “Surprised to see you lookin’ so chipper. They thumped you pretty hard over th’ head this time.”

He stretched and yawned. “Why, was I putting up too much of a fight?”

“Because you wouldn’t shut up, more likely.”

Gascon chose to ignore the barb. “How much did we clear?”

“A couple o’ hundred guldens, at least.”

He nodded appreciatively. Not their biggest haul, but no pocket change, either. “Any losses?”

“Not ours.”

“Anyone else get nabbed?”

“No, just you – and we’d better hurry up, th’ guard said he’d only look t’other way for ten minutes for th’ gold we offered him. You’re gettin’ more’n more expensive to spring, you know.”

Gascon spread his arms. “But worth ev’ry coin, eh?”

The other man rolled his eyes. “Better if you didn’t get caught so often in th’ first place. Come on, this way.”

_Step Two: Keep it simple – highway robbery, easy. Cons, scams, kidnapping – messy and best avoided._

It was good to be out in the fresh air again, even if the movement of the horse wasn’t easy on his aching head. It didn’t take them long to make it back to their hideout, where Gascon was greeted with a resounding chorus of whoops and cheers, as well as the occasional howl. He dismounted with a sigh of relief; he was very much looking forward to having a lie-down and enjoying whatever delicacies their latest haul had procured.

“Oi, boss!”

He winced a little at the piercing yell. He turned to see Sorcha, one of the most talented horse thieves and fiercest fighters amongst the Strays, marching towards him, her expression irate.

“I’m not watchin’ ‘im anymore, d’you ‘ear me?”

Ah. He’d forgotten about that little matter. “What’s he done now?” he sighed.

“Tried to grab me – _again_ – even though I’d told him in no uncertain terms what would happen if ‘e did.”

Gascon winced. “What did you do to him?”

“Nothin’ much – just a little fright.” She grinned, baring her teeth. “But if you want all ‘is teeth to stay in ‘is head and both ‘is ears attached, you’d best find someone else for guard duty.”

Gascon sighed as she walked away. It was not the Strays’ usual style to take prisoners – folk either had gold to take or they didn’t, and it was rarely worth the trouble of capturing them to extract a little extra coin. This belief had been firmly reinforced since they had taken a hostage from one of their last raids on the high road, a wealthy nobleman who’d insisted that his wife could send them a sum worth far more than the jewelled rings on his fingers. But he’d quickly given Gascon cause to regret his decision: the constant stream of complaints and demands was the least bothersome part of his behaviour; far more objectionable was the way he treated the women, or the way the dogs seemed to avoid him – as though fearing they’d be kicked.

Just as he was thinking that the lad they’d sent to collect the ransom couldn’t return soon enough, he spotted the youth riding into the camp.

“Finally,” he sighed in relief, accepting the purse and letter. He scanned the missive, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise. Well, well. A rather wicked smile formed on his lips.

_Step Three: Remember your manners! Sometimes, you may be able to charm the coin from your mark with naught but a smile – however, you may wish to keep a sharp knife handy…just in case._

“All in order, I hope?” said Lord Nobolt, as Gascon contemplated the letter once more.

“Certainly.” He picked up the purse again, weighing it in his palm. It had a very good heft to it.

Nobolt frowned at the bulging sack of coin. “Gods, how much did she send? Stupid bitch, I told her to hold some back for my safe return, bloody useless…”

Gascon didn’t bother to hide his contempt. “On th’ contrary – I find her to be a rather shrewd woman of business. She’s made me a much better offer.”

“What? I don’t understand…”

Gascon leaned in. “She’s offered me double what you did – if I ensure you _don’t_ return.”

The other man paled. “What? Surely…surely there must be some mistake…” He swallowed. “Please…er…Duke…let me send word to my cousin! He will surely be able to –”

He looked long into the other man’s eyes; he could not bring himself to feel even a shred of pity for this miserable excuse for a person. “Well, that hardly seems fair. Your lady wife’s made a generous bid, and paid upfront, too. I would hate to cheat her.”

He spluttered and swore. “You dishonourable bastard! You and your made-up title, your band o’ miscreants – nothing but a common thug, a misbegotten cur from th’ gutter –”

Gascon was bored now; he’d heard it all before. Lazily, he balanced his knife on his finger. “Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure about that, _m’lord_. I’d offer you a handsome wager that my blood’s bluer than yours, in fact…but I try not to make bets with a dead man walking – after all, it’s a damned difficult thing to collect a debt from a corpse…”

_Step Four: Know your limits and don’t aim too high – you can’t enjoy your ill-gotten gains if you’re dead, after all._

“Well?” asked Torren, once he’d emerged from the doomed man’s tent. “Are we turnin’ him loose?”

“Change o’ plan,” replied Gascon, handing him the purse and the letter. “Seems he’d due for a tragic accident, instead.”

Torren raised an eyebrow as he read the letter. “Damn. That’s a touch heartless, eh?”

Gascon shrugged. “Perhaps – but I’m rather inclined to think th’ bastard deserves it. And you know how I hate to disoblige a lady…especially one who’s offered to line my pockets so nicely. Well, now that’s settled, I can tell you where we’re headed next.”

“Oh?”

“Hawkesburn.”

“Hawkesburn?” he replied, frowning in confusion. “What on earth d’you want to go there for? Tax collectors are due to arrive there any day, th’ place’ll be crawlin’ with soldiers –” He caught sight of Gascon’s grin. “Oh no. Not th’ taxes. Not the queen’s own gold!”

“Th’ very same, my friend.”

“You’re going to get us all hung,” he groaned.

“Psh, it’s not like we’ll be facin’ Her Royal High an’ Mightiness ourselves – she’s not even in th’ country! It’ll be nowt but a company of green-as-grass guards. And you know what they say – when th’ queen’s away, th’ Strays must play.”

“No one says that.”

“Maybe not yet,” he conceded, straightening his cap. “But I wager they soon will.”

_Step Five: Profit, of course! I humbly advise you spend it all on food, drink and a good time as soon as possible, rather than hoard it – just in case you don’t live much longer. Few bandits have died in their sleep – we’re here for a good time, not a long time, after all!_

It didn’t take the Strays long to ready themselves for the road once more, once their unfortunate guest had been dispatched. The lure of more riches was enough to coax even those who were less enthusiastic about the increasingly high stakes of their ventures on to their next destination. After all, they were all fond of high living, and their coin never seemed to last as long as it ought.

“Where will it end with you?” sighed Torren, as they surveyed the village from the cover of the woods. “Where to, from here? I swear you won’t be satisfied until you’ve stormed th’ queen’s castle and made off with th’ crown jewels.”

“Now there’s an idea,” grinned Gascon. “I’d look rather fetching with Her Majesty’s famous rubies around my neck, don’t you think?”

To that remark, Torren made no reply.

In truth, Gascon wasn’t sure what was next; he rarely planned more than one move ahead. But he knew that he was never content with doing merely what had already been done before. He had a memory of his grandfather from long ago, ruffling his hair and proudly proclaiming to all: _This boy is th’ best o’ th’ Brossards – why, he’s destined for great things, I can tell_. He smiled wryly to himself. Doubtless, this was not what the old man had meant, but Gascon had taken the words to heart. They might’ve stripped him of almost everything he had, but damn it – he wouldn’t let a little thing like that stand in his way.

Suddenly he longed to throw himself into the fray; his hands itched to feel the snap of his bow. “C’mon, lads,” he howled. “Time to make ourselves _royally_ rich!”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m posting my Gascon-centric fics in a collection, [_A Stray’s Tale_](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/a_strays_tale). These stories can be read standalone and aren’t necessarily part of the same continuity, but at the same time I think of them as related, and some of them will follow on from each other. Basically I have lots of stories planned for our favourite bandit - he’s a lot of fun to write for ;)


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